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...You are too old to wear a tiara

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Thursday, Apr. 03, 2008, 10:35 am

I like traditional weddings. They're pretty, and everyone gets to dress up and have fun. I can see why every other girl in the world wants one just like everyone else's with the flowers and the three tiered cake and the princess dress and the giant procession down the aisle and 300 people watching them. I can understand and appreciate that.

But I'm going to swear now.

What the hell is with people being so ass-backwards about weddings? Or rather, MY wedding.

"I went to the cake store to talk to the cake maker about wedding cake, and she didn't even try to be nice to me. She just looked at the picture and said "NO". I don't know what's so complicated about a weighted companion cube. It seems pretty simple to me."

"It would be pretty simple and also perfect for a child's birthday party. If you are getting married to an adult you may want to think about doing it like an adult."

That is the answer I got. That is basically the answer I get everywhere. If you don't want to wear a white dress, and have a whack of filly shit all over, and a cake that looks like part of the hall of mirrors fell off and became food, then you're not grown up. Seriously people. The kind of wedding most people have is the kind of wedding LITTLE GIRLS DREAM ABOUT. Does no one remember that girls think about weddings from the time they are about three, and imagine all the pretty flowers and the beautiful princess dress they get to wear. Some women wear tiaras. Grown-the-fuck-up women in TIARAS.

YOU ARE NOT A REAL PRINCESS YOU DON'T NEED A CROWN

FUCK
I had a tiara when I was FIVE. I got in in a box with a pastel princess dress, and a crinoline, and little shoes with jewels on the toes. I wore all these things around and pretended I was a princess. When I was a child.

I am so sick of everyone else telling me I'm being childish because I don't want to look like an idiot in a giant ballgown, and have a giant Queen Victoria wedding. I don't think anyone else remembers that before everyone in the world went what seems to be retarded, weddings were a ceremony at a church, and then everyone had a party and got drunk and danced around. Flowers have nothing to do with it. Dress has nothing to do with it. Cake has nothing to do with it, and neither does whether you want to have roast beef, or pogos.

I don't see how wanting a cake shaped like a weighted companion cube is acting like a child anymore than wanting a cake covered in lace and flowers with little people on the top.

And guess what?

In thirty years, I'm going to look at my wedding pictures and think "Man, that was ridiculous." And I don't give a flying fuck.

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