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...Damn Depression Tuesday, Feb. 05, 2008, 3:14 pm I can't even start to say what I'm thinking about.I hate this constant little voice nagging at the back of my mind. No, it's not a voice, it's me. Whatever, it's back there, in the background unless nothing else is going on. And it's listing, it's making a long long list of all the possible ways people could be hurting me. Of all the things that could go wrong. And I feel like they are going on, and going wrong, and there's nothing I've found yet that makes it go away. I read entire pages of my book and then realize I don't know what they said because I was imagining how Ken could be writing to Virginia and telling her how much he misses her and wants her back, but he can't because he's trapped. Or I was imagining how Tiffany is sitting at her house telling Jamie all sorts of things about me that are terrible but true, and explaining that I really am incredibly annoying, but she doesn't have anyone else here to hang out with. Or I imagine Ken quietly dying inside because he really doesn't like me that much, but he's scared of what I might do if he left me. Or I imagine him dying, and going to bed and not coming out for days. Or I imagine getting fat and ugly and still not growing a personality anyone likes. You can see how this goes. It's terrible. Sometimes I just want people to be mean and cruel because it's pretty rare for that to happen and not be the truth. I don't know how to make it go away, and I don't know how to believe in my mind that people are what they are, and not just my heart. I'm so vain, and self-centred, and such a failure. What am I going to do with myself. This can't go on much longer without something bad happening. Most people can't understand how I feel, and how hard it is. Ken can't. Fuck. |